Life Struggles | Triggers: Infertility, Depression, Miscarriage

Good evening everyone. So I was going to do a post about books that I would like to see as wall art, but I wanted to sit down and have a bit of a discussion with you all.

If you’re following my Instagram (and if not, you should!), then you probably know that I’ve been going through a bit of a lot recently. Last week I hit an all time low in my depression and even now I’m still stuck there, but I’m doing a lot better.

I’m sure you all have seen, but I discussed a couple months ago about my struggles with infertility and a miscarriage I had in June.

Briefly, I have been struggling to get pregnant for my second child since Jan 2016. In May 2019, I found out I was pregnant for the first time since coming off the depo shot (after only getting it twice and I was due for my third shot in Jan 2016). So, May comes, I’m pregnant! Yes! We couldn’t have been more happy. End of May, we tell my mom because we needed her to take time off work for the first ultrasound to watch my munchkin man.

The week before we were due for our first ultrasound (June 6th, to be exact). I woke up and was bleeding. We went in, got an ultrasound at 6 weeks, heartbeat was found but was low. We were told there was a high probability that we would lose the baby.

Went back the next week (the day of our original ultrasound) and discovered we lost the baby. No heartbeat. I made the choice to let everything pass naturally instead of getting a D&C. So, come beginning of July, everything finally passed. We were (and still are) heartbroken.

I bring this up again because it’s the basis for why I’ve been feeling the way that I have. I was due in January. It’s November. I would be two months away from having my second child. Two months.

But that wasn’t the case. We have been trying again. Tracking ovulation with ovulation strips (I know temping is better for all of you who know about tracking), doing to dirty as often as we wanted (and especially around ovulation). But haven’t had any luck.

This month it just hit me a lot harder when I started my period and discovered that once again, I wasn’t pregnant. Then add in the fact that I have a coworker who announced her pregnancy shortly (and I mean by days) after we were told we lost ours.

So I’ve been watching her grow and gush and complain. It’s been hard. She deserves this. I’m happy for her. I truly am. But it’s hard. Especially since I have been working more directly with her recently over normal.

Seasonal depression on top of all of that has been rough. Add in the fact my job has been making me miserable and you just have the whole shebang.

But I’m doing better. Let me just make sure I say that again. We’re back to trying, but not tracking anything. My period tracking app that usually shows ovulation and such, I’ve stopped using besides going into the discussion section to connect with other ladies that are struggling.

We’re just enjoying the process and hoping for the best.

I’m also internship searching! Which means I’m working on my resume which is a whole load of stress itself. I wanted to have it done today but I decided to take a step back to work on school work and posting something here.

I’m behind again. I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this wasn’t book related. I just needed to get it off my chest again. Thank you all for sticking around and supporting me. Thank you.

I’ll see you all in the next one! And it will be a lot happier, I promise! Remember to drink your water and smile any chance you can. If you every need to chat, especially if you’re feeling you have no one to talk to, please message me. If you’re going through infertility, you’re not alone and I support and love you.

13 responses to “Life Struggles | Triggers: Infertility, Depression, Miscarriage”

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your infertility issues. It’s so hard on mental health and even on relationships (we sometimes felt like sex was becoming a scheduled chore). I also chose to miscarry naturally without the d&c (too many times), but mine were always very early on (around 5 weeks). I hate seeing anyone else going through the same things. We did IVF and I had medical issues from it. Nothing ended up working for us (after about ten years of somewhat trying and 5 years of actively trying and a lot of money we really didn’t have to spend). I still get upset from time to time, but my husband and I are trying to make the most of the freedom we have now. Seeing babies can hurt at times, but it does get better. I wish you the best of luck and I’m here if you need anything.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story. It’s so hard dealing with infertility. As women, I feel it affects us so hard, not that it’s not hard on men, but just generally. We’re still hoping for the best, but also trying to appreciate what we have currently. I’m super lucky and have my son and he’s wonderful. Such a good baby and, now, toddler. I couldn’t have asked for a better son. But there’s always going to be that lingering feeling of not feeling complete. But we can’t let that stop us from enjoying life as it is. I’m glad you’re doing so and I applaud you for it. Thank you for being here and listening. It truly means a lot. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I will say reading about these posts are difficult as it brings up so many memories. I wrote about the experiences around me while trying to conceive as that is what I found so difficult. I more recently have a couple friend that we bonded with, on the basis that we could not conceive and they are actually having a baby. There was some panic due to age on the male side but of course happiness kicks in. My partner, he is actually having a hard time with it but I do not believe he admits to it being disappointed, as the dynamics have already changed. This friend has not really contacted me, told me about the pregnancy through text, and we just have not been able to meet up. Where we would connect often and she texts me now vs calling. I have seen a change, this is my partners childhood friend that I become friends with his wife. I just sit and think why did I share my experiences….. as he told my partner that they were worried we would wish bad vibes…… this is an area I have done a lot of work in healing. You know I challenged her around this but the response was insensitive…. that in my life today I just let you go as I do not have the strength to deal with that. So in this long message I really wish you all but success and that your story is different from mine. I count today that I have my health and can enjoy life, as we get stuck on our needs and lose out in celebrating what we do have! It made me sad to actually see there are many women out in the world with the same heart break, I just happen to have none really around me! I am glad you both were able to conceive and do not lose sight of that in the journey. Take care! My blog is more about strategies in dealing with mental health but i did do one entry on my heart break as it can create mental health. I explain the tools I used to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for this comment. I felt the need to share my experience because I know how it feels to not have anyone around to confide in during this hard time. I hadn’t told anyone really that we were trying for a baby. And even the few people that did know, I didn’t want to complain because I felt like I was constantly going on and on about how hard it is because they were the only ones that knew about it. I have told more people and I confide in more people and they share their struggles with me as well from deciding when to start trying to not wanting kids at all. It’s still hard when people ask when we are going to have another. To the point of me ignoring them so I don’t give them attitude or give my generic answer saying we aren’t trying even though we are. My husband and I are going into the new year with no expectations. We will be consulting our doctors about testing, but other than that, I don’t want to stress about it. I want to enjoy life as it is and if it happens, it happens. I want to change a lot in 2020 and become a better version of myself. And to do that, I need to stop stressing about things out of my control.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I wish I had known everything I know today regarding natural meds. They have some good articles around determining the best days to get pregnant. The doctor on the site is Kelly Clinning that I made an appointment and her blog entries I found really good. Take a read and absolutely try to not stress over the journey of trying to get pregnant. It takes away the joy and it makes it that more difficult to conceive. Your goal to be a better version of yourself is a great one! I would also recommend getting a diffuser with essential oils…. in my post on essential oils there is a link. As that helps calm the mind and nervous system. Essential oils I recommend are: Orange, lavender, lemon, and bergamot (add 5 drops of each in water, shake in a jar and place it in your diffuser) Also falling asleep to meditation music helps the mind to relax. There are organic teas at David’s tea called Serenity, Mothers little helpers, tranquil that have all the calming herbs. Have a cup each night prior going to bed!!! This is a
        Mindfulness routine that helped me through the day. Also I started my mornings with three things I was grateful for so I could trigger the positivity in my brain! Those are my suggestions, thanks for sharing! 💗

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles Amanda. Last month must of been the hardest for you. Try and stay strong and keep going. Fertility and miscarriage I’m my opinion is a very traumatic struggle, with no finish line in sight. Thinking of you. X

    Liked by 1 person

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