My Struggles With Infertility

I’m sure that most of you know that I have a son. I’m not going to get into how I ended up pregnant with him too much in this post, because that’s not the focus. I’m just going to say it took 2 months and zero struggle.

This post is going to be a hard one for me to write. It’s something that I’ve been wanting to talk about with you all for a while now. Since June, to be exact, because that’s when it hit the hardest. So trigger warnings to all. If you can’t handle where this is going, don’t continue reading. It’s going to be a struggle without a happy ending. Not yet, at least.

I had my son in July of 2015 and we decided a few months later that we wanted to try again for another baby so they were close in age. February of 2016, we decided to start trying.

Fast forward to May of 2019, aka over 3 years late, and we FINALLY get a positive pregnancy test. 3 years of wanting. 39 months of negative tests. We were to the point of giving up.

I was torn down to my lowest, or so I thought. I gave up on expecting it to happen. It wasn’t going to. Then it did.

My husband and I were so freaking happy that I can’t even put it into words. The one thing that we had wanted for so long and had been trying to achieve for so long had happened. We were pregnant. We were going to have another baby.

Fast forward to June, a week before my first appointment. My husband is working a day shift for training (we both normally work nights) and my boy was sleeping, so I took a nap. I wake up and there’s blood.

I call the doctor, my husband, and my mom to watch my boy. We go in and they do an ultrasound.

When they told me there was a heartbeat, I was so relieved. But we knew that there was a chance it wouldn’t last. The thing I’m most grateful for throughout all of this is the fact I got the ultrasound printed off.

Needless to say, we went back the following week on my originally scheduled appointment and found out that we lost it. between 6 and 7 weeks. Which wasn’t long, but that doesn’t take away any of the hurt.

I had planned to write this post now with the hopes that I would be pregnant again. I should have known better.

I have reached a point now again where I’ve accepted that it won’t be happening. We aren’t going to stop trying, but we are going to focus on us and our son. I’ve reconnected with my spiritual side and I’m accepting the fact that it will happen when it will happen. I have plenty to keep my mind off it, despite the fact my mind will never be off it.

I will never forget this experience and I still constantly think about “what if.” I can’t stop myself from doing so. I wouldn’t be writing this post in the same way if I was still going to have a baby in January. But I’m not.

I don’t wish this struggle upon anyone. I don’t want anyone to have to go through this loss. But I know that people have gone through this and worse. The depression still hits me. Just this past Saturday was a very low day for me. I didn’t want to leave my house. I didn’t want to even exist if we’re going to get down and honest.

I forced myself to get out of bed and do the things that I had to do. No. It didn’t make me feel better. But by the end of the day, I wasn’t as low as I was. And that’s because I spent time with friends and family. Not all of them know what happened. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t help.

Even people that haven’t gone through this can be helpful to your mood. But if you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to message me. I will try to make you feel better. I know that it won’t work, but sometimes even just talking about it can help and all I want is for you to be happier.

I don’t really know how well this post worked out. It probably went over better in my mind. Just know that you’re not alone. You are strong enough to get through this, even on your low days and you will have low days.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you for joining me. I’ll keep you all more up to date with everything as I progress through this.

Hey Everyone!

Good morning! Good afternoon! Good evening! Good night! Hello! Hi!

I’m excited, can you tell? So I’m sure most of you already know me from the bookish side of my social media presence. But I wanted to reintroduce myself for anyone new and anyone who may be joining me since my change to a more lifestyle based blog.

I’m Amanda. I’m a 24 year old that is just trying to live her best life. I have a 4 year old son who will be featured often and is my world and my everything.

Check out my Instagram by clicking this photo

I’m married, but I don’t know how much that’s really going to be discussed.

Something that will be talked about as often as I can is the fact that I’m vegan. I have been vegan for a year and a handful of months now and I haven’t looked back. Okay, that’s kind of a lie. I’ll get into that in a specifically vegan post, though.

Also, my type A personality is going to be drawn upon A LOT. I try my hardest to be organized, but I know that 90% of the time, I’m a failure at it. Actually, one of the first posts I’m going to be making is about block scheduling and how I failed at it. Okay, not exactly failed, but I realized it’s not for me.

So make sure you’re subscribed to my blog and my email listing so that you can be notified right when that post is live!

Success! You're on the list.

After all of this is said, I’m not perfect and I don’t have my life together. Honestly, it’s actually quite the opposite. But I have so many thoughts and things I feel like I need to share because I don’t see it often.

One of the main things I’m going to be focusing on for a while is scheduling. I work such a weird shift and add that into my family schedule and you have a unique and strange family dynamic.

I work Sunday through Thursday from 10pm to 7am. My husband works the same hours, but right now he’s working Monday through Friday. We have a 4 year old that we don’t have in daycare or preschool right now. Life is hard.

I see a lot of schedules of nurses, but not everyone that works a night shift is a nurse. So I’m hoping to share my perspective as a night worker, mom, and all the other crap I do.

I have posts planned out for the remainder of the month and I think you all will be very interested in the topics. We discuss distancing friendships and the mass shootings and how that affects me as someone who works a retail job with a high level of anxiety.

I’m looking forward to getting into these posts with all of you and I hope you look forward to them as well.

Let me know anything you would all like to see and make sure you check out my YouTube Channel.

Thank you so much,