Life Struggles | Triggers: Infertility, Depression, Miscarriage

Good evening everyone. So I was going to do a post about books that I would like to see as wall art, but I wanted to sit down and have a bit of a discussion with you all.

If you’re following my Instagram (and if not, you should!), then you probably know that I’ve been going through a bit of a lot recently. Last week I hit an all time low in my depression and even now I’m still stuck there, but I’m doing a lot better.

I’m sure you all have seen, but I discussed a couple months ago about my struggles with infertility and a miscarriage I had in June.

Briefly, I have been struggling to get pregnant for my second child since Jan 2016. In May 2019, I found out I was pregnant for the first time since coming off the depo shot (after only getting it twice and I was due for my third shot in Jan 2016). So, May comes, I’m pregnant! Yes! We couldn’t have been more happy. End of May, we tell my mom because we needed her to take time off work for the first ultrasound to watch my munchkin man.

The week before we were due for our first ultrasound (June 6th, to be exact). I woke up and was bleeding. We went in, got an ultrasound at 6 weeks, heartbeat was found but was low. We were told there was a high probability that we would lose the baby.

Went back the next week (the day of our original ultrasound) and discovered we lost the baby. No heartbeat. I made the choice to let everything pass naturally instead of getting a D&C. So, come beginning of July, everything finally passed. We were (and still are) heartbroken.

I bring this up again because it’s the basis for why I’ve been feeling the way that I have. I was due in January. It’s November. I would be two months away from having my second child. Two months.

But that wasn’t the case. We have been trying again. Tracking ovulation with ovulation strips (I know temping is better for all of you who know about tracking), doing to dirty as often as we wanted (and especially around ovulation). But haven’t had any luck.

This month it just hit me a lot harder when I started my period and discovered that once again, I wasn’t pregnant. Then add in the fact that I have a coworker who announced her pregnancy shortly (and I mean by days) after we were told we lost ours.

So I’ve been watching her grow and gush and complain. It’s been hard. She deserves this. I’m happy for her. I truly am. But it’s hard. Especially since I have been working more directly with her recently over normal.

Seasonal depression on top of all of that has been rough. Add in the fact my job has been making me miserable and you just have the whole shebang.

But I’m doing better. Let me just make sure I say that again. We’re back to trying, but not tracking anything. My period tracking app that usually shows ovulation and such, I’ve stopped using besides going into the discussion section to connect with other ladies that are struggling.

We’re just enjoying the process and hoping for the best.

I’m also internship searching! Which means I’m working on my resume which is a whole load of stress itself. I wanted to have it done today but I decided to take a step back to work on school work and posting something here.

I’m behind again. I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry this wasn’t book related. I just needed to get it off my chest again. Thank you all for sticking around and supporting me. Thank you.

I’ll see you all in the next one! And it will be a lot happier, I promise! Remember to drink your water and smile any chance you can. If you every need to chat, especially if you’re feeling you have no one to talk to, please message me. If you’re going through infertility, you’re not alone and I support and love you.